Friday, June 29, 2012

Ladies WSOP Event

There is a lot of controversy surrounding guys entering an all female poker event at the WSOP in Vegas. All the female players and most male players are vehemently opposed to it, but I believe they oppose it for very different reasons....Many males think its below them/cheating to enter an all female event and take a stand based on their own interpretation of 'poker morals'. Professional female players, however I believe are being disingenuous when stating their vehement opposition to men being in the tournament....From what I've seen female's opposition argument comes down to - "women deserve their own tournament, especially without interference from douchebags that we have to deal with everyday in every other tournament"...Reality is, Ladies WSOP event has obviously and understandably by far the softest field out of all the events, and you want to have that great edge to yourself without needing to share it with players who would be your direct competition and thus decrease or eliminate most of that edge......Its not that you dont want men in the tournament, you dont want male pros in the tournament. If I told you that males would be allowed to enter but only if they physically dont know the rules of poker or only if you get to pick and choose from the street which men get to participate, would any of the female pros still take such a vehement stand against it? =)

Personally I would never play in it, not for any moral reasons but because I dont need dead fish in a barrel to make a dinner. However I laugh at all these people with this fake moral indignation when all they are really upset about it possibly losing the huge edge they otherwise will have.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

My Biggest Pet Peeve

I Hate Stubbornness. Hate it. Can't and won't tolerate it one bit. I've learned to be much more accepting of others's flaws, especially as someone who is full of them. Do you know why I will not accept stubbornness? Because stubbornness won't accept me.
As defined by Mirriam-Webster dictionary, stubbornness is 'a steadfast adherence to an opinion, purpose, or course of action in spite of reason, arguments, or persuasion'. In other words - stupidity, with some possible hostility. And there are few things worse than a stupid, angry person (a stupid, angry person with power, being one). Equating stubbornness with stupidity is pretty much straight line logic. If you refuse to incorporate new ideas inside your mind, even when it makes perfectly reasonable and logical sense to you, all in the name of 'being right', or because you can not see outside of a poorly lit tunnel, that is your thought process, then you are a pure moron.
Here, is the simple truth, being stubborn isnt cool, cute, or even justifiable. When being stubborn is one your main qualities, it isn't just part of your personality, It IS your personality. How can you claim to be open minded and in the same breath, refuse to listen to an argument just because it isn't your own? You ridicule your parents for being hard headed and unfairly treating your siblings differently, and then two sentences later - try to justify why you would be much more strict with your daughter than your son? When I suggest the hypocrisy of your own words and try to point out that there is a lesson to learn from your parents mistakes, your response is something like "some things just shouldn't change". Really?? What was the point of your entire tirade? Did you just want my pity and hoped for zero actual input? So, your only lesson from being treated like a handicapped person your entire childhood is, saying "it sucked, oh well, time to pass on this misery to the next generation"? I'm sorry if that's the case than it is tough for me to label you anything other than an idiot, and I dont see how it will change anytime soon.
There are plenty examples of pointless stubbornness we encounter in our daily lives and it's absolutely maddening. Read this next sentence carefully. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you know or can do right now, that wouldn't benefit from an outside opinion, in any and all situations. Listening and mentally digesting something new, will never take away from what you already know. However, if you just stay with what you already know, in reality, you know nothing.

Advice Column for Parents

It isn't your job to stalk, harass, demean, attack and enforce your ideals on your child. Your kid is a unique individual who is also your offspring. Your child is Not a pet or a creature that you're supposed to mold into what you believe will eventually become a "successful person". Your child might become an amazing podiatrist or a wonderful electro music DJ who happens to be gay. You cant mold him into a Mini-You because your child Is NOT You.
Your job as a good, responsible, loving parent is to #1 Love Your Child UNCONDITIONALLY #2 Teach them everything you know and give them every chance to learn anything that you might not be aware #3 Let them be who they are and trust them to learn from their own mistakes and experiences #4 Let their happiness becomes Your Happiness (repeat this in your head until it starts making real sense)

I promise that if you always follow these simple rules, then your kid will grow up to be a well rounded, happy human being who will love and respect you, and be able to open up to you as a person on a deeply emotional, personal level at any stage of his/her life.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Youre living in a glass house, dummy.... Stop.

How many times have you seen variation of this facebook post from some random female on your friends list "Guys talk so much shit....but when it comes to sex they aint got dick! yeyy i'm clever!!"(this one would actually be somewhat clever compared to the typical ones we see and sigh at).
Now, I get just as annoyed at males for that stupid, macho bullshit "ohh yeah I smashed it six ways till sunday and she loved it" or some variation of such....but the difference is, males usually like to keep that nonsense for their boys in private, while discussing their "accomplishments and achievements". You rarely seen something like that posted in public and obviously its for self serving reasons like 'dont want to waste my chances with other females I'm trying to have sex with' and of course , for most men writing a boast like that, would signify the last time they are getting any 'play' from that specific female ever, thus making it a very imprudent move. However, in reality (at least in my experience), men rarely boast to other men about their incredible sexual prowess, usually its happiness, giddiness and pride in actually getting laid than anything else. I dont have much problem with that because it is done typically out of self serving interest of looking good in someone else's eyes, rather than making the other person look like feces of a slightly bored, homeless man. I also dont have much problem with honest critique or even beyond that, if its well deserved - harsh critique...but I do have a serious issue with people making those accusations of others, while they are themselves just as responsible(and usually more) for the outcome, than the person they are trying to ridicule.
In my experience, 70-80% of females I've dealt with on different levels, have told me, that they never experienced an orgasm with a male (forget about experiencing vaginal orgasm, that number jumps to like 99.2%) and its always a sad story with "Sadness" by Enigma playing in the background. Now the premise is always "ohh, god all these terrible assholes that didnt know what they were doing and were unable to satisfy me!!(sad face, double tear)". And I would usually follow up with a simple question - "was the guy able to cum?", and the answer is typically "of course!" or "Duhhh!!usually too fast!!". Yet, somehow in her mind, the female equates the male's 'success' as some great skill she possesses that forced them to ejaculate, and how unfairly they werent able to reciprocate.
Well, here comes the moment of truth ladies...............................................99.19% of the time a man getting to a finish line has as much to do with you as a waitress in a restaurant has to do with getting myself a delicious meal. Yes, she delivers the food to the table, and she might even help in picking out the dish but she has nothing to do with preparing it, quality of the meal or physically feeding me, thus, she is just a very useless bridge from from being hungry to being full. Guess what? You, are that waitress pretty much every time....Now, there are no absolutes and of course there are exceptions where the girl is the waitress, chef and the delicious dessert all in one, but sad to report to you whining broads, you are almost always the latter(and by the way, all those all star females have no problems in achieving orgasm ever). I can count on one hand females that were directly responsible and in charge of me getting not only to a finish line but to a 1st place podium where you hear "Star Spangled Banner" being sung, as she is wiping me down.
I dont put myself on a sexual pedestal, though I have had enough experience and knowledge to realize that absolute majority of sexual satisfaction comes as much from mutual chemistry, authentic passion of the two people involved, and desire and effort to satisfy each other rather than any mythical talent...however, since so many of you seem to be stuck on it, I'll just let you know are as sexually talented and skilled as that dude who nuts within first six strokes of entering your roast beef with lettuce vagina.
Do you really think laying on your back with your legs up or being on all fours and making some pretentious 'whales are about to attack the innocent dolphins again' noises is some sort of skill that only you possess? Oh no, I forgot about the infamous off beat ass gyrations that always make me wonder "what ta fuck is she doing?!? did she learn this move from tunisian rhythm gymnasts at special olympics?"..... or another winning move of "Grab my hair and call me a slut!" and of course everyone's favorite "Harder!! Harder!!!" which I'm guessing is girl's code for either "your penis is too small and I'm not sure if you're inside now or if its naturally so breezy" or " my vagina was Osama's original hideout so if it took US ten years to find him, you are definitely going to need to dig much, much deeper... just like the last 20 U.S seals that have been here".
The point is simple....the problem doesnt lie with some poor douchebag who you are fucking now after he took you out on 3 dinners and spent 134.57 cents and you decided that its time to reciprocate his love with your open legs,... but with YOU. Do you want me to show you how I came to that conclusion? Here is a simple question - How fast were you able to make yourself orgasm last time you played with your vagina? ...I bet it was 2-10 minutes maximum. Did you need some magic to do so? For most of you, all you needed was some impatient fingers and desire. Even those who now use the toys and shower faucets for those same results still started out many, many years ago using just plain, old fingers. So, what is it that prevents you from having an orgasm with a guy? You're telling me that you cant use put any poor joe shmo in a position to make you cum?? Now you can say "But, Alex why would I do that, why cant he do that on his own?". Well, sad to report but the reason why no one can "do it on their own" is because you are not in touch with your own body and mind, nor do you have a sexual comfort with yourself or with him, in order to for anyone to do it "on their own". And its not anybody's job to be a human Jack Rabbit in order to get you off dummy, as Chuck Palahniuk so eloquently said - "You are not that special. You are not beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying, organic matter as everything else". =)
To go back to the very beginning, majority of men (that know what they are doing) are able to put themselves in a position to ejaculate, not because of anything you have done, but because they know what it takes to get them to that finish line and they will do it inspite, or even sadder - despite of you... Trust me when I tell you this, if males could have choice in who they can fornicate with, as much as you do, then 99.8% of you would never get a returned call....EVER. And by the way, another little nugget - if the guy thought that sex with you was great, you would get a return customer for a loooong time (if not forever) regardless of any other circumstances. So if he hasn't called back it starts out with the fact that you're someone he is willing to avoid forever, even if that means (in many cases) taking a chance and going forward with quite a slim pickings. Very sad, I know, since almost every female that is going to read this blog will recount all the times that the guy was unwilling to ever come within 30 yards of their exposed vagina after the initial experience or two, and realize that there might be a more direct reason other than "all guys are assholes and all girls that shit on guys are just picky". Realize the proverb of throwing stones while living in a glass house applies to you directly and until you build a solid foundation, you have very little room to point fingers, other than at your own reflection. Kind of like fat bitches who make fun of other fat bitches for being slightly fatter than they are. Nooooo, the fact that you weigh a solid 240 and she weighs 268 just makes her more likely be a hybrid outside linebacker/defensive end in a 3-4 system while you are a full time middle backer knowing for stuffing the run.

I like to help as well as educate and I have learned a few things from females who'se opinion on sexual matters I respect and value. Here is my/their advice to help out. First and foremost, Sex mostly is a mental thing which starts and ends with you! You have to know and if not, learn, what makes you tick and what in the end makes you cum, whether its specific thoughts, actions, fantasies or positions that you should investigate, practice and learn on your own and then be able to seamlessly incorporate it into any sexual relationship.
Good sex is unselfish sex - meaning, that you dont go down on a guy "because he wants it, so let me get it out of the way to move on to bigger (hopefully) and better things " but because you actually want to please him and the visual and mental satisfaction of such should be your only imperative - nothing else (by the way, trust me when I tell you, for all the complaints you have about how a penis looks upclose, your vagina isnt a piece of cake either...more likely than not it looks like "The Predator's" mouth when he is angry)! If you dont want to satisfy him then you shouldnt be having sex with him in the first place and should stick to straddling jack rabbit who does such a thankless, selfless job for only one time payment of 135.99. If you learn to focus on your counterpart first, you would be surprised how much bliss you can experience just by seeing actual, authentic intensity of your partner's pleasure...and as a result you will stop focusing on your own short sighted "needs". This will help you learn how to relax yourself enough in order to enjoy the idea and as result - the act itself.
You need to be comfortable with yourself, your body and everything in between that has to do with Sex. If you like a little bit of this and a little bit of that, but hate this, that and the next, then you're Done. You have to get turned on by pretty much everything under the sun, otherwise you'll stay stuck in your little "boo freaking hoo why do I and all my girlfriends never get to cum" tunnel.
Lastly and maybe most importantly, Stop concentrating on a single, narrow minded goal. It is a basic human quality that things come to us the easiest when we dont stress or worry about it. You have to permanently eliminate from your psyche useless "Why cant I cum? or Am I ever going to orgasm?" thoughts. Learn to enjoy the little things(pun intended in some cases), like the atmosphere surrounding you, the feel of skin, kissing, sweating, stroking, feeling......everything you should be actually concentrating on and enjoying rather than focusing on some mythical, "unachievable" end result. Even moaning is a good thing (and you shouldnt do it to satisfy a man's ego) but actually as practice in releasing your insatiable lust, and in time it will go from vocal practice to actual release of passion and desire as long as you are open to the idea of it.


P.S Another glass house reference. If you look like something crocodile dundee should be hunting down and scalping you have very little room to call other female species ugly. Or if you have a bleached goattee thing going and seemingly have a mango stuck in your throat, do you really want to call that girl "manly" just because she has shoulder length hair? Lastly, why would you consider another female a "slut" because she chose to fornicate with a guy faster than you would? Do you really think two dates at applebees make you more special? Awwwww, but he bought you ice cream afterwards so that definitely makes everything ok, right? Dont judge others for shit you dont want to be judged for yourself.

Good night and good luck.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

9 Things not to say to a girlfriend who lacks a sense of humor

Her: How do I look?

You: Hmmm, I'm not sure....I typically don't judge other men.

Her: Does this dress make me look fat?

You: No, No not at all....But, you do have to stop wearing our living room curtains in the summer time.

Her: You know that I don't need you!! You know how many guys try to talk to me every day?

You: Of course...But how many of them did you Not meet at the zoo? And more importantly, how many of them did not throw peanuts at you so that all their friends can see you giggle and sheepishly wave your trunk?

Her: You know some guy at the beach today told me today I look like the actress from 'Twilight'!

You: I assume you were chewing at the time, and and since words are sadly not edible, you must have heard him out of context. I'm sure he assumed you were The Twilight, because you are enormous, oval, unexpected and tend to block the sun.

Her: Honey, do you want to come with me to my aunt Bertha's barbecue?

You: No, Babes... I already saw your family last week. Wild on Discovery was having 'Poorly Domesticated Hippos Attack Yet Again" Week.

Her: Whats your favorite thing about me?

You: The fact that you haven't eaten me yet.

Her: Would you ever leave me if I got fat?
(This one has multiple choices)

You: Is Richard Simmons possibly attracted to other males?


You: Became Fat? Whats your next 'future possibility' question? Could we ever elect a black president? Or what if Tiger Woods ever looked at women outside of his marriage? Or what if Tom Cruise was a weird, eccentric moron who would join a weird cult as a distraction from his rampaging, closet homosexuality? or What would happen if you had to take brownie breaks in between words in order to take a breath and then sweat profusely from blinking twice?? or What would happen if you ran through more midnight shaded men than Jerome Bettis?


You: I'm sorry, all I heard is Moo, Mooooo, Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Females with Hairy Nipples....What? Why? How?

Now I fully understand that the title must seem ridiculous to most, and many of you will think that it is written as a complete joke, but sadly it is not. As I promised you before I will write only on topics that I have had personal dealings with and that have had lasting effect on me. Over the last couple of years i have come in contact with this incredibly bewildering phenomenon more than a few times and sadly it has gotten to the point where I am almost dreadfully expecting the girl to have 'it' even before I ever see her in the nude. Even more disturbing, these incidents have not been isolated to me only, but have occurred repeatedly to many of my acquaintances, friends and even siblings!

Now, let's go to the beginning and see why it is such a big deal to me (and I am sure to an overwhelmingly absolute majority of heterosexual men). You can always ask "Alex, why does it matter anyway? Whats a little hair on the nipples to you? Why do you make it into a such a big deal?" There are many answers but the one that first jumps to mind is - I like my mojito on the rocks and my women without hair on their nipples. Is that really too much to ask for? Seriously? You can spend an hour to three hours a day grooming your entire body but taking 79 cent tweezers and spending 10 minutes a week to pluck out the teenage beard growing around your nipples is wayyy too much to ask for, right?

Now I am as much of a feminist as the next guy but I can not reformulate my brain to be attracted to something that it refuses to find appealing. I am willing to overlook hairy arms (through if you can wax your legs you should be able to do the same with your arms), I am very willing to overlook bushy pelvic region (as long as it is controlled, groomed and regulated) but I draw the line when your areola starts looking like a homegrown sunflower. Now, it is understandable if you have some sort of unique medical condition where your breasts look like uncle Jesse's face after 3 days without a razor, however that is Never the case.

And I don't want to hear 'you have no idea what we have to go through every day!' nonsense. It is precisely the fact that you have been spending hours waxing and shaving and lotioning your bodies daily that should leave no room for even a single hair within 2 feet of your breasts. Do Not tell me it is 'Natural', It is Not natural for you to have hair on your nipples because if it were, the poor babies would be choking on them while being breastfed for many a centuries. And to go along with that theory of yours one step further, if you really found hair on your nipples so Au Naturel then why would you go through the trouble of trimming, shaving and waxing hair on the other 97% of your body?? I wouldn't have had a problem if I took a girl to bed after seeing she had hair on her face, legs, arms and everywhere in between, because then it would have been my reasonable expectation to see plenty of hair on the rest of her body as well, but that would not happen because I do not have a Chewbacca fetish. But that never happens! They are always groomed with freshly shaven legs, eyebrows are done, and there isn't even a semblance of mustache or a goattee....but when the damn bra comes off it ends up looking like Nicolas Cage in any of his god-awful movies.

I like to be fair and put myself in your position - hairy females. If I were going out with a guy and I was preparing myself that day, I would start of this way.

#1 No Hair on my face? Check.

#2 No Hair on my breasts/nipples? Check.

#3 No Hair on the stomach or legs? Check.

#4 My back and ass doesnt look like discount carpeting at Walgreens? Check.

#5 Vagina does not look like a deliberately distraught werewolf's lair? Check.

Now, I'm ready to go outside for the fun night out!

How do you look it any other way is beyond me. It would take you 5 minutes maximum, per nipple to get rid of those ghastly, twenty two, one inch hairs. But the difference is night and day. As shallow as it might sound - no self respecting men will put up with a female who isn't smart enough to have smooth breasts and nipples. It shows more than just bad genetics, it shows that you have no respect for yourself and more importantly no respect for us and our eyes, because I refuse to believe any of you can be stupid enough to believe that a typical heterosexual male would somehow not mind you having more hairs on and around your nipples than he does on his. I will leave it in your corner females and remember, when it comes to something as simple as this, you never have anyone to blame but yourself.

P.S If this trend continues I am going to start naming names. You know who you are. =)

Photos posted here are courtesy of "Family Guy" and Fox Broadcasting, and "Star Wars" courtesy of 20th Century Fox and LucasFilms. Sunflower was posted courtesy of my uncle Boris's backyard and "Grow Flowers at Home" Productions.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

NYC Females, what makes you so special?

Simple answer is - Absolutely Nothing.

Now I might be unfairly generalizing here but it doesn't matter, I speak about the vast majority(as I see it) and if this in no way applies to you(which it probably does) then you shouldn't feel in any way offended.

In a few words what makes me an expert to speak on such topic?

First, I have had as varied of a sexual experience(age/race/nationality/ethnicity/background wise) as anyone out there and have always enjoyed the psychological experience of delving into the females psyche even more than the sexual experience itself (and considering the awful sex that often occurred at least I had something to hang my hat on).

Second, I am what some refer to as a 'gay-straight' male. Meaning I exhibit stereotypically "gay man's habits" like - ability to listen and actually enjoy female banter without false pretense of implied interest of a hetero male where the only actual interest is "how much longer do I have to ask questions to which I do not want to hear answers to in order to get laid". I actually enjoyed understanding how a females mind works on every possible level even if I wasn't necessarily that interested sexually. On some weird level, I enjoy learning their awkward habits and yet not judging them for them either. Typically, I don't judge anyone based on their sexual likes, preferences, choices or desires. Basically, I am everything your boyfriend pretends to be in his daily encounters with you.

Third, I always had and have many of close female acquaintances who told me in intricate details the most personal events of their lives which in most cases they told to very few or none.

Now that we established that I have some expertise in this area lets go back to the original question. What makes you so special? if you're a female reading this, I recommend you try to audibly answer this question and I will retort to some of your responses as if I am next to you.

#1 "I think I am really pretty" - Awwwww, Is that so? Of course, in order to more accurately evaluate your appearance random female, we have to have some sort of comparison to contrast your physical image with, in order to come up with a valid estimate.... Now, are you pretty next to whom? The flu ridden giraffe hopelessly grabbing on to the faint dreams of freedom while chewing on feces riddled tree tops in the Bronx Zoo? Or maybe next to your best friend Maria who thinks that brunch is something that you do 11 times a day and you offset it by ruthlessly exercising on Twitter. Or probably people that you hang out with and/or know? I will gladly assume that based on looks alone majority of your friends/associates are not being stopped in traffic. Thus, compared to majority of people that you know you might actually be "really pretty" however if we contrast you to a typical female(your age) walking the street of San Juan, Moscow, Rio De Janeiro, Lisbon, Barcelona, Rome, Amsterdam, Rabat, Beirut or Buenos Aires, etc you will appear as one awfully perturbed looking troll(and that is assuming you are at least moderately appealing). Females in NYC seem to be completely oblivious to that point. If I am absolutely starving, I can easily devour a McChicken sandwich or 2 from our favorite fast food provider and it will feel extremely satisfying and maybe even delicious at that moment. However it does not make it gourmet or even adequate. The perception of it's taste was altered drastically based on the contrast to eating nothing at all or own saliva................

The 2Nd reason(and in my mind just as important as the first one) is - NYC Males. I don't know if its based on small ratio of 'good looking to beastly gargoyle' females in our city or just overall, unexplained super aggressive response to their hormonal stimuli but typically heterosexual males in Tristate react to women the same way small Iraqi children react to US soldiers brandishing candy and chocolate. First, paralyzing fear and distrust, quickly followed by uncontrolled adoration and amazement, followed by expletives and exaggerated anger. I will never fully comprehend why NY males are generally thirstier than a morbidly obese, Eurasian book store owner who fell asleep in a sand trap... but they are... 'Average and below' looking females are constantly bombarded with attention from men of all ages, colors, backgrounds and incomes. Who would blame someone for genuinely believing that such attention translates to reality in contrast with everything that their brain, mother and mirror have to say?

#2 "My personality and the way I am is what makes me beautiful and I am actually an interesting person." Do you really think you're that interesting? What specifically about your personality that you so passionately adore? Is it because you find "Bruno" and "Hangover" so darn funny that makes you oh so cute? You haven't uttered an interesting thing once in your life and I'm willing to bet ham on Rosie O'Donnell's plate that you haven't understood half of the interesting things you actually heard from the mouths of others. Just because you say things in an uncommonly more annoying voice than usual, that does not make it sarcasm and just because you give an incredibly goofy giggle after every other sentence, it does not mean that you are witty or even have a sense of humor. And if your pursuer or a random male compliments you on any traits mentioned above(unless he is more inflamed than Richard Simmons putting out a Barbie House fire with a November issue of the Cosmopolitan) that should realize pretty quickly that it has as much to do with reality as the back of your kneecaps had to do with you getting inside a typical, low level NYC club for free.

# 3 "I am different from most/all females and/or I am unique!". You are not. You are a product of your sub par education and a result of male dominated society which encourages for you to believe in your own "female prowess" as opposed to actually having it. I will safely assume that you are typically boring, unimaginative, pretentious, easily replaceable and and will repeat paragraphs verbatim that I have heard countless times before sadly told by other dinged birds that also believe that they somehow invented it. On average your typical NYC female is about as unique as a preteen at a Jonas brothers concert. Sad. =(

Now...if you think this in no way applies to you. Tell me(yourself) what actually makes you so different from this "crude stereotype" that I have typed about? What makes you interesting, unique, special or cute? Which topic can you speak about, on which you can present a cohesive, original point that will strike "interest" from anyone other than a heterosexual male waiting to smash you harder than a BMW safety engineer? I can only hope and encourage you to be more open to the idea that there is so much more room for improvement in every possible way than you ever give yourself credit for. And then and only then will you learn to appreciate yourself as well as others and begin to actually develop yourself as a person and not just a shallow shell of a human being.

Welcome to my First Post. =)