Monday, September 7, 2009

Females with Hairy Nipples....What? Why? How?

Now I fully understand that the title must seem ridiculous to most, and many of you will think that it is written as a complete joke, but sadly it is not. As I promised you before I will write only on topics that I have had personal dealings with and that have had lasting effect on me. Over the last couple of years i have come in contact with this incredibly bewildering phenomenon more than a few times and sadly it has gotten to the point where I am almost dreadfully expecting the girl to have 'it' even before I ever see her in the nude. Even more disturbing, these incidents have not been isolated to me only, but have occurred repeatedly to many of my acquaintances, friends and even siblings!

Now, let's go to the beginning and see why it is such a big deal to me (and I am sure to an overwhelmingly absolute majority of heterosexual men). You can always ask "Alex, why does it matter anyway? Whats a little hair on the nipples to you? Why do you make it into a such a big deal?" There are many answers but the one that first jumps to mind is - I like my mojito on the rocks and my women without hair on their nipples. Is that really too much to ask for? Seriously? You can spend an hour to three hours a day grooming your entire body but taking 79 cent tweezers and spending 10 minutes a week to pluck out the teenage beard growing around your nipples is wayyy too much to ask for, right?

Now I am as much of a feminist as the next guy but I can not reformulate my brain to be attracted to something that it refuses to find appealing. I am willing to overlook hairy arms (through if you can wax your legs you should be able to do the same with your arms), I am very willing to overlook bushy pelvic region (as long as it is controlled, groomed and regulated) but I draw the line when your areola starts looking like a homegrown sunflower. Now, it is understandable if you have some sort of unique medical condition where your breasts look like uncle Jesse's face after 3 days without a razor, however that is Never the case.

And I don't want to hear 'you have no idea what we have to go through every day!' nonsense. It is precisely the fact that you have been spending hours waxing and shaving and lotioning your bodies daily that should leave no room for even a single hair within 2 feet of your breasts. Do Not tell me it is 'Natural', It is Not natural for you to have hair on your nipples because if it were, the poor babies would be choking on them while being breastfed for many a centuries. And to go along with that theory of yours one step further, if you really found hair on your nipples so Au Naturel then why would you go through the trouble of trimming, shaving and waxing hair on the other 97% of your body?? I wouldn't have had a problem if I took a girl to bed after seeing she had hair on her face, legs, arms and everywhere in between, because then it would have been my reasonable expectation to see plenty of hair on the rest of her body as well, but that would not happen because I do not have a Chewbacca fetish. But that never happens! They are always groomed with freshly shaven legs, eyebrows are done, and there isn't even a semblance of mustache or a goattee....but when the damn bra comes off it ends up looking like Nicolas Cage in any of his god-awful movies.

I like to be fair and put myself in your position - hairy females. If I were going out with a guy and I was preparing myself that day, I would start of this way.

#1 No Hair on my face? Check.

#2 No Hair on my breasts/nipples? Check.

#3 No Hair on the stomach or legs? Check.

#4 My back and ass doesnt look like discount carpeting at Walgreens? Check.

#5 Vagina does not look like a deliberately distraught werewolf's lair? Check.

Now, I'm ready to go outside for the fun night out!

How do you look it any other way is beyond me. It would take you 5 minutes maximum, per nipple to get rid of those ghastly, twenty two, one inch hairs. But the difference is night and day. As shallow as it might sound - no self respecting men will put up with a female who isn't smart enough to have smooth breasts and nipples. It shows more than just bad genetics, it shows that you have no respect for yourself and more importantly no respect for us and our eyes, because I refuse to believe any of you can be stupid enough to believe that a typical heterosexual male would somehow not mind you having more hairs on and around your nipples than he does on his. I will leave it in your corner females and remember, when it comes to something as simple as this, you never have anyone to blame but yourself.

P.S If this trend continues I am going to start naming names. You know who you are. =)

Photos posted here are courtesy of "Family Guy" and Fox Broadcasting, and "Star Wars" courtesy of 20th Century Fox and LucasFilms. Sunflower was posted courtesy of my uncle Boris's backyard and "Grow Flowers at Home" Productions.

1 comment:

  1. LMAO! It was definitely worth the wait for this one! I knew you would not disappoint. As a personal fan of breasts, I'm glad this was finally brought to light. Breasts are considered to be a feminine physical attribute. Body hair is obviously not. As big as a female's boobs may be, a little strand of hair can overpower it. It's like a stain from a drop of coffee that made it on to your white shirt. As white and bleach clean your shirt may be, all eyes will immediately first fall on the stain. And I could understand that you can't help where hair grows on your body, but you sure enough can help in removing them when necessary. And let's say, for the sake of argument you can't afford the 79 cents tweezers, you always have your fingers and nails to pluck them out. In the midst of our daily routine where we make an effort to look prim and proper, I know we tend to overlook the spot where we don't normally worry about hair because it might just not cross our minds. But take this as a lesson learn: if the top is coming off, take a quick second to do a nipple check in the bathroom and pluck them bitches off if needed. lol